I had to take a half a year break from writing and developing this blog. Life happened. During the last winter I went through a divorce, drove myself on the verge of a burnout, recovered and moved away from what used to be my home. This is what I learned.

I realize that this post has absolutely nothing to do with the current or historical topics of BitBurners.com. Most likely the majority of my audience finds this totally irrelevant and uninteresting. Personally however, this is one of the most important pieces I have ever written. I have tradition of wrapping things up with a public blog post. My previous highly personal writing dealt with unemployment, and it became very popular on LinkedIn back in 2016. The audience of BitBurners is dominated by tech oriented men and some you are going through the same.

On life, divorce and everything

This is written from the perspective of a middle aged man, and a father, living the busy years, who had his life turned upside down by a divorce. It was an exhausting experience, but every cloud has a silver lining. Personal crisis force you out side of your comfort zone and break your routines. They also enable a chance for personal development and growth. In other words, if you manage to get through it in one piece, you'll learn. Crisis are a necessary part of our lives. Actually the world moves forward in so called Black Swan events, rather than progressing nicely, steadily and predictably (Courtesy of N.Taleb).

So during the last winter I went through a lot. The whole process got me thinking and re-evaluating my life and choices from a new perspective. If I ever had the chance to time travel and have a little chat with the 20+ me, this is what I would say.

Look for similarity rather than complementarity.

Matching a man and a woman for life is no easy business. First of all, life in your twenties is very different from what it is in your forties. There is more freedom and less responsibilities when you are young. But when you're married with children and both have careers, things start to get more complex.

When I was young, I was more easily attracted to women with opposite characteristics and strengths. I guess the idea was to find a person that completes me, thus making us a dynamic duo. I believe this preference can be generalized to some extent. For example engineers and nurses are a popular combination in many western countries, but they also have a statistically high ratio of divorces.

The idea of a complementary couple may work for a good while, even forever, but life changes when you enter the busy years. Suddenly there is very little free time for you as a couple, or on your own. Your calendars get filled with juggling in between careers, kids' school, hobbies and their basic needs. Your own parents are also getting older, needing their share of attention as support as well (so called sandwich years). You easily find yourselves in a constant task management cycle, where the most of your resources go into running everything else than your relationship. In this scenario the co-operation with your spouse is much easier if you share similar ways of thinking, reasoning and core values. On the contrary, if your personalities are very different, it may introduce friction to your gears, which accumulates over the years.

So while the complementarity may feel attractive, definitely go for the similarity and be happier when you are old.

Invest in your relationship, and never take it for granted.

When someone has been loyally on your side for a decade, it is easy to make assumption that she will be there forever. Living in a relationship is easy and fun when you are young, and there is only the two of you. You are intoxicated with passion for a few years, but it tends to fade over time. From this point on it takes concrete action to actually love someone. It is a decision, not a feeling. A verb. You have to put other's interests ahead of your own. Again, easy when you are young and have a lot of freedom, but takes effort when you don't.

The everyday little things matter the most when your private time together becomes a scarcity. Have good conversations, spend quality time when you can, do things together and show your affection and appreciation daily. And most importantly, never take your spouse for granted. Your wedding rings should forged over and over again in your daily life, not trusting that they chain you together for life. Almost half of the marriages end unnaturally in a divorce.

Protect your financial assets.

People insure ensure just about everything they own, making insurance companies a huge and a very profitable business. Cars, house, healthcare, life, children, vacations and even concert tickets are often covered. At the same time many people go to their own wedding only based on a gut feeling and trust. Getting married ties people also financially, and a marriage is one of the biggest financial decisions you ever make.

A divorce can be a financial disaster. Nobody can predict what happens after a decade or two. People change, conditions change, the whole world changes. You simply cannot bet with your whole financial life (past, present and future) based on a feeling and trust. Ask Jeff Bezos, if you don't believe me. Personally I was in luck and my ex-wife settled rather fairly, but that's not all of the costs involved. When divorcing, you may be selling your house when the market is down. You need to buy furniture and loads of other stuff as things are divided by two. Housing is also more expensive when going solo. Even in a good scenario we are talking about tens of thousands of euros/dollars or more. If you need to use your pension savings and investments, you'll also lose their future profits.

So make a legally binding prenup. Period. It is a letter of mutual commitment and trust – not the other way around.

Risks are high when your wife hits 40.

The years around 40 present massive changes to the lives of women, biological and otherwise. Mothers are intensively connected to their children for the first 10 years or so, but at this point the kids are becoming more independent, no longer requiring constant care. This opens a window of opportunity for mothers to critically re-evaluate their lives and relationship. Their role is being redefined. The statistics show that this is the age when marriages have a high risk of failing. It also links to the earlier point regarding modern day challenges of the busy years.

Men at 40+ on the other hand have a tendency of laying back a bit in a sense of accomplishment. The family "project" has finally reached a more mature milestone, with kids taking more and more responsibility of their own. Men may use this opportunity to give one more push to their careers, or perhaps focus to their hobbies. After all the wives are now having an easier time at home when the former toddlers are approaching their teens, right?

Again, invest in your relationship and never take it for granted. The risk is hidden in the traitorous feeling that things are now running smoother than five years ago.

Divorcing as a process is a vicious cycle.

If you are presented with a proposal to divorce, you are up for a massive challenge. Suddenly there is a giant elephant in the room. The mere suggestion of a divorce breaks the trust that the relationship was built on. The damage may be unrepairable.

Emotions run wild and the discussions focus on all the issues of the relationship that need fixing. While talk is good, and the only potential way out of the situation, the constant drilling into the problems of the past also validates the necessity of the divorce. We had a couple of sessions with a professional therapist. While the sessions were good and we had deep conversations, the best ever, I realized that my ex-wife used them as justification for her decision, and not as the last resort to make things better.

It is a vicious cycle and very difficult turn into a virtuous one. You can fight back with everything you got, but resistance is often futile. I read a study showing that typically the one proposing a divorce has already worked on the idea for years. There is no point to die trying, so if there is no common ground to build on, it is better to let go.

Personally, I pushed myself to a brink of a burnout trying to fight for my marriage, but luckily came to my senses at the very last minute. I realized that my kid still needs me in good health even after the divorce, even more than before. So saving myself became priority over saving my marriage. This enlightenment opened a path to recovery.

When going through a hard time, look outside of the box.

To my big surprise, the best help did not come from the relatives or close friends. They were more or less shocked by the news, were only able to give sympathy, which was useless at that point. I didn't need or want anyone feeling sorry about the shit I was in - I needed concrete advice and support on how to move forward.

I was saved by my colleagues. Some nice ladies at the office noticed I had lot on my plate. They had experienced a divorce and shed the light on the wife point of view. This is something that a no man can give. While they are good colleagues, they are still outsiders. Outsiders don't have the burden of personal ties to my family, and were therefore able reflect our situation to their own experience. The gave concrete advice without the emotional burden. I am still amazed how much effort they put into helping me and forever grateful.

This was a real eye opener for myself. Best help may come from unexpected sources. So when life gives you lemons, look outside of the box. This applies to other issues as well. Within your own social bubble you are less likely to get genuinely new ideas. So whether you are solving a problem or developing something new, it is worth the while to discuss your ideas someone from the outside. You will be surprised how differently they may see things, providing you with fresh ideas and alternative solutions.

The aftermath

While the divorcing is an exhaustive and expensive process, it is only an end of a phase, but not the end of the world. After you have moved out, you get some breathing room and start realizing that the unhappy marriage has been dragging you down – limiting your potential. Nobody is able to give their best knowing deep down at the heart that things are not okay.

And life after divorce is not that different. You still have your kids, your work, your friends, your hobbies, you house choirs and so on. But now if you just want to sit back, have a beer and watch a hockey game, there is no one criticising you about it. You are back in complete control, which comes with complete responsibility. You may even find some time to write blog posts again.

Development happens outside of the comfort zone and you have been there. Meditate, read good books and exercise to get back in to shape, mentally and physically. Process everything you have learned from the experience, also recognizing your own faults and mistakes. Rebuild and become an upgraded version of yourself.

And if you ever feel like getting back into the relationship game, there is plenty of fish in the sea. Almost half of marriages do end in divorce, remember? Just don't repeat the same mistakes you made on the first round, starting from:

Look for similarity, not complementarity.